If a client comes to me and is considering a big life change, I would ask her what the desire behind the life change decision is and what she hoped the outcome would be. Now, piercing a nose isn't really a reason to seek life coaching but stick with me here.
I am tired. I am not strong. I am weak. I am worn out. Relate a little? Most decisions should never be made, unless absolutely necessary if you are hungry, angry, lonely or tired. Let's back up to yesterday and how it started.
At 1 in the morning, the phone on my night stand started going crazy. As a mom, my ringer is never off. My oldest daughters' ex boyfriend put even more fear in my heart than I carry on a normal day. Most of you know she struggles with drug addiction and is hard to find and is jumping from motel to motel unable to be contacted on any given day. Most drug addicts are manipulative and lie. I never know who, what or when to believe any word spoken by most in her ring. For four hours via off and on texting from her ex, I was told that my daughter was either already dead or in the process of being harmed by someone. Unable to reach my daughter and unable to get any facts, I had to get used to my normal position of praying and waiting without sleeping. At 5 am, out of desperation, I contacted my cousin who is a retired member of the FBI. We decided to ask the ex if he would contact the police and give all of the information he was claiming to be true. I never heard from him again. Thankfully, hours later, I heard from my daughter that she was "okay" and that's the last I've heard. This is normal. This is our life. This is the reality of the past few years and saying it is tough will never be an adequate description.
Once I got the rest of my children to school and started my day, my reality with knowing two things crept up. One, I may never have peace in regard to my oldest. Second, I am facing the youngest daughter leaving for college and as strong as I try to be, it terrifies me. My role as a mom is slowly fading and knowing I still have three step boys to raise terrifies me a bit more too. I am happy for her. She's going to be fine. I don't for one second want her to worry about me. I feel it though, the absence. I know what it's like to "lose" a daughter and I have to remind my self that this will be different. I want the time back. I want to read more books, paint more fingernails and sing more songs. I have to let myself be sad but happy at the same time. What I am preparing myself for though, is the sudden emptiness and "what the heck am I now" feeling. I guess I felt yesterday like I better start redefining my life and who I am and I better start doing it quickly....thus, the nose ring.
The absolute fatigue, fear and desire for change culminated in a drive to the tattoo parlor to get my nose pierced. I even coached myself on the way making sure I wasn't making a rash, unthought out decision. I knew my daughters would be so proud and think that I was super cool and I felt really edgy and hip. It hurt ya'll. Like I mean I was nauseous to my core and dizzy. I have a super high threshold for pain yet I wasn't kicking this one. I spent the day looking in the mirror admiring my new bling and felt super cool. I wasn't like everyone else. I wasn't gonna go do life quietly and blend in. I was going to keep life interesting and ignore how worried and tired I was feeling all the time.
Um. The nose ring is now out. Twenty-four hours of coolness was all I could take. Am I weak because I gave up? Am I incredibly strong because I removed the piercing which replicated the same pain as it did going in? Well, I am okay with both.
I have to come to terms with my life; with why I want to be so different. I have to come to terms with why I am afraid to be still, to wait, to breathe.
If I were your coach, I would encourage you to allow your emotions and learn from whatever it is, sweet friend, that you need to feel. Be real. Be mad, Be joyful. Be all of it at once.
I told God I was mad at Him yesterday and He hasn't answered me yet. I know he can heal her. I don't understand. I have been strong. I have been fervent in prayer. I have been faithful in my trust.
I haven't been weak. I haven't been real with Him asking him why He's forgotten her. I was yesterday. I pierced my nose to forget the pain. I keep moving to avoid thinking of my youngest flying the coop. Despite my fear, my sadness, my exhaustion... I will continue to pray and believe. I will continue to share my journeys because some of you need to hear it. I will allow myself to be weak so He can show up and make it peaceful.
Be you, Be real. Be a bad ass. Laugh along with me.
I decided I'd quit. Have you ever been there? I was in a season of just plain darkness and pain. I quit coaching. I quit praying. I quit having hope. It seemed easier.
But it wasn't. I have realized that I need to keep on going, despite the circumstances. To focus on what is RIGHT around me; the four kiddos in the house and the patient husband. I've decided to stop waiting. I miss my 20-year-old daughter. I don't know where she is. I keep her room clean, hopeful for the day she'll be in it. I keep a cherub in her room to remind me that angels are looking over her.
I pray. Alot. I can't let my mind focus too much or I cry. I can't think too much about what she's doing to herself and why because I will never understand.
I can make dinner and provide laughter for those here. I can go to the gym. I can write. I can pray the simple prayer (when my heart can't allow anything else) of "God please help her." I can jump in the car when my 18 year-old gets in a small car accident and be there for her. I can plan her graduation party and her birthday. I can pack lunches. I can play with my dogs. I can plan sleepovers for my step boys. I can ask my husband out on dates.
I can't fix her. I can't make her get help. I can't bring her home. I can be real. I can say it hurts to breathe fully. I can say I wish I could drive somewhere without being afraid to look at the person on the corner asking for money, afraid that it's her. I've spent seven years wondering what I did. I must pray the wrong way (lie). I must've said something wrong to turn her to the dark side (lie). I can't carry on until she's better (It feels real but I can't do that to everyone else). I hid for a while. I quit for a while. The pain didn't go away but I won't give in to it. I will live for those around me, breathing joy and feeling grateful and accept the fact I'll miss her each and every day.
Addiction sucks. I know one day she'll get help again. I can't stop and wait for that moment. I want to sometimes. I did recently. God won't forget her. He's got her and won't stop trying to reach her. I pray in my full suit of mamma armor demanding he heal her. It's His time not mine. I won't give up. Her siblings will continue to pray at dinner and bedtime each and every night. I taught them that. I won't let them give up either.
As for you? I know you've experienced something similar. Keep going. Keep praying. Keep your soul intact and keep breathing.