My goodness, these past two months have been harder than I had anticipated. As far as I remember though, I wasn't given the option of whether or not I could handle it. My God, my friends, my faith, my Bible, my time in worship, my HOPE, has brought me this far.
For some of you, you know just what this feels like. I am here, still strong, still kicking, still offering my love and fellowship with you, my strong, amazing, wounded yet risen up women. Just because I may blog a little here and there as a therapeutic necessity for myself, I am still fighting for YOU, for YOUR journey. This past month of the 21 day mini coaching speed path has been fun, rewarding and refreshing to work with so many of you all at once. Thank you for the opportunity.
Packing up my college bound daughter and missing her light around here was something I knew was coming. I thought I had prepared. Our life is different now without her but seeing her thrive, watching her from afar and missing her is a bittersweet chapter.
Falling into a bit of a dark spot again after nearly 6 years scared me for a while until I realized I had plenty of tools, coping skills, faith and friends to get me through. Raising three step boys without my girls in the house and with a husband who works six and a half days a week while their birth mom chose to move out of state seven years ago leaves me primarily responsible for every waking moment of these little dudes. I do my best, and I try super hard not to judge choices. Everyone does what they need to do.
For the past few months, my friend and I led a parent support group for parents of addicted loved ones. It was hard, I am not going to lie. We taught them about not enabling, boundaries, hope, etc. One of our members lost her son during our time together. I couldn't go back. We stopped the class. It was too real. I felt like a failure and at fault. I thought it was my calling. I wasn't strong enough. And that's okay. It has to be.
My 20 year old daughter is in jail. I still pack lunches for boys, send care packages to college, schedule and attend appointments, play dates, sports events, try to build a business, attend fitness classes and try to stay on top of my mood, my body, my nutrition and my soul simply because somehow life had to go on. BUT.. my daughter is in jail.
I write her letters. She won't allow me to visit. I let my mind wander sometime to places it shouldn't and I tremble.
Tomorrow, somehow, even though I "can't", I must and I will attend a hearing while I watch her walk in a jumpsuit and handcuffs barely recognizable to this mamma's eyes. How on earth will I? I will TRUST. I will look up. I will ground myself with the power of my God to get me through.
Drugs have taken my child and she's been in "jail" far longer than the past 13 days. This is the letter I wrote to her.
My dear Kennedy,
I just wanted to write to you to let you know I love you and miss you so much. I hope you understand why we decided not to bail you out. It is out of hope, and love for you. I pray constantly for you, my child, and I know you must be alone and fearful and I want to remind you to spend this time finding Jesus. You know how he saved me. Look for the angels, the helpers, the hope. Look up my child and know that he is with you. There is not a moment I am not thinking of you and praying for you. Call on him sweet girl. I love you. Mom
Don't ever assume strength comes easily to any of us. What choice did we have? Through tears and anger, sadness and pain, we find our way. Never stop. Keep breathing. We've got this.