I haven't spoken to or see my oldest daughter since July. I've answered more telemarketing calls in the past four months than I care to remember but I answered every single one with great anticipation that one day, it would be her on the other end of the line.
Saturday night, I got my wish. "You have a collect call from ...." I heard, as I literally fell to my knees.
Maybe only moms of addicts know the relief I am talking about when you get the call from jail. No longer do you have to turn on the morning news in fear that you will finally see your child in the headlines.
She was caught. Again. She didn't ask for bail. She didn't ask for commissary money. She asked me to come and visit and she said she loved me. In two days, I, God willing, will finally see her.
Maybe for the first time in over a year, I was able to exhale the deep breaths that I take. For the first time in months, I've slept.
In one of the PAL meetings I led, a participant was sharing a story about her son and she told us that the news she had received earlier in the week from him didn't send her to the penthouse but it didn't send her to the basement. Of course, what she was referring to, was that we used to let every ounce of news, good or bad... dictate our emotions. The rollercoaster ride that we never stood in line to be on would have to wait.
You see, I am relieved that she's in a place where she calls me from daily. I am "happy" that she isn't out there, in the world that entices her. I am also aware of other dangers, of pitfalls, of the courts and the slipping through the systems.
For now, I will take this day, I will take the calls. I will take that I can walk to the mailbox feeling happy with my dogs as I kiss a letter I wrote to her and stick it in the mail slot.
As part of my prayer wall, a portion of Psalms 107 from the Passion Translation has been recited over and over again for months.
God spoke, be healed and she was healed, delivered from deaths gate. For HE smashed through heavy prison doors and shattered steel doors to set her free.
To me, I see this as God breaking IN to meet her where she is. He's not breaking down the doors to set her out of the physical prison she's in but He is breaking in and shattering doors to her heart, to her soul, to redeem and rescue and to send in His angels to sit with her until the next step reveals itself.
Take a deep breath with me, will you? Celebrate the little things while you can. Don't be afraid to hope, to believe, to recite God's promises back and to ask HIM to go and carry our loved one out, carrying them on His shoulders as He did with the lost lamb in Luke.
No matter where you are in your journey with your loved one, remember to find a safe place of refuge daily to pray, to worship, to thank Him for the victory before it happens.
Love, Coach Kim