I knew better. I know better. I did it anyway. I went ten years without a scale in my home. Every time I went to a doctor, I would turn around when it was time to be weighed and I would explain that I didn't need to see it. Eating Disorders tried to rob me of joy in a very, very significant way for decades of my life. Doctors, hospitals, specialists, heart monitors, long stay treatment centers and more pain than anyone needed to inflict upon themselves or their family was a daily lifestyle for me. I learned early in my recovery that scales were a huge NO!
I learned super early in life that I couldn't control much of anything that was hurting me. I also learned super early that I could control my weight. What I didn't realize, however, was that I was completely out of control. By the Grace of God, my Eating Disorder had been fairly dormant for a very long time. Little by little, that sneaky little voice started to creep back in. I bought a scale, I joined a nutrition club, I bought a fit bit to track every single thing. I would wake up and get excited to see just how much I weighed so I could determine just how much I could love (or withhold love from) myself depending on the number. I felt I had a handle on it. I asked God to forgive me for putting the scale before Him but I kept doing it telling myself once I lowered my weight to a certain number that I would stop.
This morning, my better self knew what to do. It was hard. It was scary. I got a large black Sharpie and I wrote "I am SORRY" on one (Oh wait, did I forget to mention I would weigh myself on not one BUT two scales each morning??") and "I am MORE" on the other one. I took them both outside, got a hammer, and let loose!
The "I am SORRY" was my apology to God for putting my weight and my obsession to lose above my desire to seek His approval and love for what I was doing first. I didn't invite him to my crash diet. I didn't ask him for guidance and help. The apology was also to myself. I was sorry for thinking I would only be okay and worthy at a certain number. I was sorry for withholding joy and laughter and peace until I felt I deserved it with a certain number.
The "I am MORE" was a reminder to myself to love gently, move forward wisely, and let go of placing my ability to love myself and find freedom and joy unless I got to a certain weight.
I am not saying that I will stop eating right. I am not saying that I will stop working out. I am not saying that I will just sit here and be inactive because God wants me to love me for me. That's not in my genes... but I am saying that I will do those things because I want to be fit and active and healthy and I do and always have liked a certain way I like to fit into my clothes and present myself but I don't need a daily check in to see my progress or to check in with the scale to determine my happiness for the day.
Whatever your "weight" or burden is.. can you find some freedom in letting the way you may look at it go?
I will always advocate for self love. I believe those that are lost and hopeless suffer most from a lack of embracing self with a heart full of love and that, my sweet woman warrior, needs to change!
Occupied or Deliberate?
Woman, friend, sister, daughter .. this is for you today. 💗
Today I was in my yard pulling weeds 🌱 and lots of them. I came across my squash patch that is growing out of control, spilling over into my jalapeños and tomatoes 🍅 and it occurred to me that I don’t even like squash. 🤨 I’ve spent months tending to this squash patch watering it and weeding around it and training the vines away from what I really wanted.. the tomatoes 🍅 and jalapeños! I kept watching the tomatoes and jalapeños get covered up by the unruly vines. I kept navigating around the squash, clipping it back so that the other veggies 🌶 could see the light. Instead of trying to hard to shed light and make space for what I really desired, I yanked that squash plant up.. I removed the vines tangled around the tomatoes 🍅 and I donated the root of it to a neighbors garden who loves squash! Now I can focus on what I wanted to grow, not what was occupying my time and my garden.
What is occupying your efforts;your time; your space ? Do you even like what you are spending time on or is it habit; a sense of obligation; a thing that makes you (or your garden) look good but isn’t serving you?
These are just some of the pattens and mindsets we work on and through during our time together. 💗
We've all heard about it. We've all searched for it. We've all doubted it.
The reason for which something is done or created.
I want to tell you a story..
My grandmother passed away when I was 6 weeks old so I never remembered her, sadly. My grandfather took years to fall in love again but when he did, it was with his next door neighbor, Jeanette. They shared a little gate between the two backyards to keep their relationship a special secret.
Each Christmas, we (my sisters, myself and my cousins) would go caroling around my grandfather's neighborhood. Our first stop was always Jeanette's house. She would hand out handbells to have for the night to accompany our Christmas songs as we serenaded the homes. As the youngest of all of the cousins, my turn sharing the bells never seemed to happen and I returned at the end of the night a little defeated and felt a little forgotten. I didn't think Jeanette realized that I never got a turn with the bell and I never wanted to tell her in case it would hurt her feelings.
We grew up, time passed on. We all got jobs, got married, had children and most of us probably never thought about those hand bells again. When I was engaged to be married, I remember the excitement of all of the wedding gifts arriving. Silver trays, a toaster and silverware amongst other things, started piling up around us. I remember seeing a box arrive with the familiar Houston address as the sender. "Sweet Jeanette", I thought. I opened the box to find a small, golden hand bell. The card inside simply read: "Congratulations. I think it's about time you had a turn." She had seen me, she had remembered, she had known, and she had picked the perfect time to "hand out" that bell to me.
Jeanette worked for decades at a Department Store. She often told me in her later years that she was a nobody; just an old lady selling things day in and day out; that she didn't have much of a purpose.
Jeanette HAD a purpose and I'm certain that she touched more lives than just my own with her thoughtful gesture and her acknowledgement of me.
I want ya'll to STOP trying so hard to find your purpose. I applaud you for searching, for trying and for seeking but I also want to remind you that it may not be as hard to find as you think.
Social Media tells us that we need something beautiful and grandiose; unique and special; big and celebrated and acknowledged.
Purpose our perhaps is a daily act, not a monumental achievement.
Be well in spirit, soul and body.