I knew better. I know better. I did it anyway. I went ten years without a scale in my home. Every time I went to a doctor, I would turn around when it was time to be weighed and I would explain that I didn't need to see it. Eating Disorders tried to rob me of joy in a very, very significant way for decades of my life. Doctors, hospitals, specialists, heart monitors, long stay treatment centers and more pain than anyone needed to inflict upon themselves or their family was a daily lifestyle for me. I learned early in my recovery that scales were a huge NO!
I learned super early in life that I couldn't control much of anything that was hurting me. I also learned super early that I could control my weight. What I didn't realize, however, was that I was completely out of control. By the Grace of God, my Eating Disorder had been fairly dormant for a very long time. Little by little, that sneaky little voice started to creep back in. I bought a scale, I joined a nutrition club, I bought a fit bit to track every single thing. I would wake up and get excited to see just how much I weighed so I could determine just how much I could love (or withhold love from) myself depending on the number. I felt I had a handle on it. I asked God to forgive me for putting the scale before Him but I kept doing it telling myself once I lowered my weight to a certain number that I would stop.
This morning, my better self knew what to do. It was hard. It was scary. I got a large black Sharpie and I wrote "I am SORRY" on one (Oh wait, did I forget to mention I would weigh myself on not one BUT two scales each morning??") and "I am MORE" on the other one. I took them both outside, got a hammer, and let loose!
The "I am SORRY" was my apology to God for putting my weight and my obsession to lose above my desire to seek His approval and love for what I was doing first. I didn't invite him to my crash diet. I didn't ask him for guidance and help. The apology was also to myself. I was sorry for thinking I would only be okay and worthy at a certain number. I was sorry for withholding joy and laughter and peace until I felt I deserved it with a certain number.
The "I am MORE" was a reminder to myself to love gently, move forward wisely, and let go of placing my ability to love myself and find freedom and joy unless I got to a certain weight.
I am not saying that I will stop eating right. I am not saying that I will stop working out. I am not saying that I will just sit here and be inactive because God wants me to love me for me. That's not in my genes... but I am saying that I will do those things because I want to be fit and active and healthy and I do and always have liked a certain way I like to fit into my clothes and present myself but I don't need a daily check in to see my progress or to check in with the scale to determine my happiness for the day.
Whatever your "weight" or burden is.. can you find some freedom in letting the way you may look at it go?
I will always advocate for self love. I believe those that are lost and hopeless suffer most from a lack of embracing self with a heart full of love and that, my sweet woman warrior, needs to change!
Woman, friend, sister, daughter .. this is for you today. 💗
Today I was in my yard pulling weeds 🌱 and lots of them. I came across my squash patch that is growing out of control, spilling over into my jalapeños and tomatoes 🍅 and it occurred to me that I don’t even like squash. 🤨 I’ve spent months tending to this squash patch watering it and weeding around it and training the vines away from what I really wanted.. the tomatoes 🍅 and jalapeños! I kept watching the tomatoes and jalapeños get covered up by the unruly vines. I kept navigating around the squash, clipping it back so that the other veggies 🌶 could see the light. Instead of trying to hard to shed light and make space for what I really desired, I yanked that squash plant up.. I removed the vines tangled around the tomatoes 🍅 and I donated the root of it to a neighbors garden who loves squash! Now I can focus on what I wanted to grow, not what was occupying my time and my garden.
What is occupying your efforts;your time; your space ? Do you even like what you are spending time on or is it habit; a sense of obligation; a thing that makes you (or your garden) look good but isn’t serving you?
These are just some of the pattens and mindsets we work on and through during our time together. 💗
We've all heard about it. We've all searched for it. We've all doubted it.
The reason for which something is done or created.
I want to tell you a story..
My grandmother passed away when I was 6 weeks old so I never remembered her, sadly. My grandfather took years to fall in love again but when he did, it was with his next door neighbor, Jeanette. They shared a little gate between the two backyards to keep their relationship a special secret.
Each Christmas, we (my sisters, myself and my cousins) would go caroling around my grandfather's neighborhood. Our first stop was always Jeanette's house. She would hand out handbells to have for the night to accompany our Christmas songs as we serenaded the homes. As the youngest of all of the cousins, my turn sharing the bells never seemed to happen and I returned at the end of the night a little defeated and felt a little forgotten. I didn't think Jeanette realized that I never got a turn with the bell and I never wanted to tell her in case it would hurt her feelings.
We grew up, time passed on. We all got jobs, got married, had children and most of us probably never thought about those hand bells again. When I was engaged to be married, I remember the excitement of all of the wedding gifts arriving. Silver trays, a toaster and silverware amongst other things, started piling up around us. I remember seeing a box arrive with the familiar Houston address as the sender. "Sweet Jeanette", I thought. I opened the box to find a small, golden hand bell. The card inside simply read: "Congratulations. I think it's about time you had a turn." She had seen me, she had remembered, she had known, and she had picked the perfect time to "hand out" that bell to me.
Jeanette worked for decades at a Department Store. She often told me in her later years that she was a nobody; just an old lady selling things day in and day out; that she didn't have much of a purpose.
Jeanette HAD a purpose and I'm certain that she touched more lives than just my own with her thoughtful gesture and her acknowledgement of me.
I want ya'll to STOP trying so hard to find your purpose. I applaud you for searching, for trying and for seeking but I also want to remind you that it may not be as hard to find as you think.
Social Media tells us that we need something beautiful and grandiose; unique and special; big and celebrated and acknowledged.
Purpose our perhaps is a daily act, not a monumental achievement.
Be well in spirit, soul and body.
🍃 🐛 A N Y O N E 🍃🐛 feeling like this beautiful girl today ? I was outside with my pups this afternoon and she caught my eye. I feel like she’s literally grabbing on to what she thinks is the last limb of hope.. do you see that ? Those little hand thingys HOLDING on! If I were a caterpillar whisperer this is what I would tell her .. cuz yep in my mind she’s a she 💗
Listen up sweet caterpillar.. I see you thinking this is the end , the darkness in that little shell or cocoon .. that your days of beauty are behind you. I see you trying to remain hopeful and not quitting!! I want to tell you that you are about to shed your old self, what you may have even thought was your best self .. and you’re about to renew your life .. restore your beauty and turn into a beautiful power house of a creature that flies and spreads her wings to share abundant joy to all who see you💗 I know that’s hard to believe right now but trust me if you can, keep keeping your strength up by eating that leaf 🍃 and holding on until the renewal is complete .. and one day maybe you’ll fly up next to me and sit a while as a thank you 😊 and I’ll simply say.. ahh, there you are .. and I told you so!
My whole life, I always wanted to fit in... to be someone.. to matter.. to shine.. to standout.
My biggest regret is believing my role as a mamma wasn’t enough. I took those two daughters of mine for granted a time or two assuming I had years before they grew up. I was a good mamma to them and like to think I still am, however, I had shortcomings for sure and it’s a pain I carry but I’ve learned to not let that pain dominate my soul.
Even now, at a year shy of 50, I think to myself, what’s my purpose? Am I enough?
As I grow wiser, I am learning that all I truly care about is how I treat my children, my husband, my family, my friends, my dogs, my body, myself, my clients and my customers. I don’t need to BE something spectacular or unique. I don’t need to be the best or the “most special.”
Two very significant times in the last few months alone, my daughters (20 and 22) both truly needed me during some individual rough patches on their own journey. I was there for each of them sharing, what I hope was, guidance and knowledge and faith and I felt a surge of pride when I would see something special on their face or in there eyes as a thank you.
I wish I could revisit some moments in life when I was asked what I do for a living. “I’m a mom to two amazing daughters and a step mom to three charismatic boys and I try to be a caring and loving wife” and I would walk away with my head up and I might even do a mic drop knowing that’s more than “enough.”
I love coaching .. absolutely love it. I love selling wine! I love helping at church and supporting local shops around me.. but my greatest role, the one that brings me the most light on any given day, will always be the one I was assigned to have the moment my first and then second daughter laid in my arms, followed by the opportunity to raise three boys. I will always be enough just because of that and anything else I ever achieve or strive to become is simply a bonus. So to you, Kennedy and Ellie..William, Lucas and Owen, thank you. Mamma
Almost a year ago, we moved into our new home in the Hill Country. Day one, the neighbor to my left greeted me in the driveway with a bottle of wine and a loaf of banana bread and our friendship has grown into daily conversations ever since (obviously)! The neighbor to my right is a different story.
Our homes out here in our neighborhood are on about 3 acres each. We can see one another's homes from our own but they are spaced about 50 yards or so apart. I have grown used to the lights, the comings and goings, the sounds of the dogs and the over the fence chats with our neighbor on the left. The neighbor on the right was, what I assumed, living in another city or something. I can think of one time where I saw a light on in her home. Her lawn was never kept up with. Sounds of life never drifted over to our home. A thought occurred to me a time or two to walk over and introduce myself but the word on the street was that she must've moved away so I never bothered. I regret that now.
A week ago, I got a knock on my door in the middle of the day. One look out the window seeing the Deputy in uniform terrified me, assuming something had happened to someone in my family. I quickly but hesitantly opened the door to many questions about the neighbor to my right. "Have you seen her lately?" "Have you seen any cars at her home." "Have you seen any lights on in the house?" I answered no to each of the questions but it was the last one that startled me the most: "Have you noticed any peculiar smells when you go outside?" After answering no yet again, I asked the Deputy what was going on. "Unfortunately, we have discovered that your neighbor has been deceased in her home for months." OH. MY. GOODNESS. Y'all... where do you have to be in life to be passed away for months and no one has noticed? After my jaw dropped and my heart ached for this woman, I began to wonder what her life must've been like. A few days of neighbors talking and stories developing led us all to understand that this 50 year old woman battled mental illness and a drinking problem. She was estranged from her adult children and husband and had apparently given up on life, friends, family and faith and just sort of existed alone in her battle until she either took her own life or simply faded away.
Even writing this brings me to tears because had I known someone was actually living there, I would've tried to help. I would've encouraged her to get help, to find a a tribe of women to support her, to remind her that dark times come but that the light also shines again.
Wherever you are right now, please make sure you have at least one person that knows you, that cares, that notices when you don't respond, that notices when you are down and alone. Find your person, your people, your strength in numbers and don't ever sit in the darkness for too long.
Be well. Reach out. xoxo. Coach Kim
When my daughters were little, we watched The Princess Diaries at least a gazillion times. I remember hearing the above quote the very first time we watched it, and it has stayed with me over a decade and a half later!
What about FEAR? Do you want to run away from it? Do you want to ignore it? Have you been told if you have fear you aren't a Christian? Do you feel bad for feeling fear?
Let's unpack this a little bit. Some fear may be irrational but if anything this pandemic has taught us, a lot of it simply isn't. I am not telling you to go around and take on and accept all fears running around in your head. I am not suggesting you give those fears any more power than they deserve. I am telling you that it's okay. Fear is okay. I want to help you understand how to live with the fears that sneak up in your daily lives. I want to remind you of your tools to tackle those monsters as they arise instead of letting them take over; take control; grow bigger.
1) Acknowledge it. "Hello Fear" (of snakes, of death, of loss, of heights, etc.)
2) Sit with it for a bit. Set a timer. Accept it. Honor it.
3) Put your feet on the ground firmly. Feel where you are at this exact moment and ask yourself these things:
Am I currently in danger?
Is this an old wound arising up stirring up my current life or is it happening now?
How much time do I want to give this fear today? (hopefully your answer will be <30min)
Have I talked to God about this?
What can I do about it?
How I can go forward without the Fear dominating my life?
I will tell you some stories about my own fears and I hope you are able to find some humor, laughter, tears for a second if you feel 'em, and some hope!
I hate snakes and I don't mean just a little. Snakes actually terrify me to the bone chilling core. I decided to move to the Hill Country a year ago on land absolutely riddled with snakes of all kinds. Smart move. Days after we moved in and set up our home, I saw a coral snake cross my path in the BACKYARD (if you aren't familiar with these bad boys, go google them). Now, I know from growing up in the country that these slinky things have to gnaw on you a while to be dangerous, but that doesn't stop the freak out in my soul. I have two pups whom I worry about and I only let them outside to play and do their business when I am with them. My reality is that my fear is real and substantiated but I choose to live here anyway. I went online and ordered snake repellant granules as well as a dozen solar screechy siren things that go in the ground and emit bad vibes to the oncoming snakes. I felt better. My fear was real but I found a solution and I was able to move on! (Denial probably played a pretty big part in this process but I really felt like I solved something really big and that gave me peace. ) Um, this morning that same sneaky species of a snake crawled in my path again albeit 9 months later. My fear came back. The snake paraphernalia tools I used to manage my emotions no longer work and now I have to sit right here realizing that the snake got away and crawled into a hole and underneath our house and my husband blocked the entrance with a rock ?! We called a pest control company who promises us that they can control the snake problem and you know what, I choose to believe it because doing something, anything, brings me greater peace than fear.
Let's move on to a more "personal" topic; my oldest daughter. We fear for our kids the second we find out we are pregnant don't we? She has battled addiction for 9 years. I feared the worst, the hospital call that came 6 months ago. Luckily she survived but her battlefield is still large and her addiction is still loud and I live daily with the fear of yet another phone call. How on earth do you live with that sort of fear and yet still seek joy and peace? I pray, I worship, I sing, I help other woman and I set a timer to cry and grieve and it's a gut wrenching pain I can't describe. Somehow, HE gives me the desire to not let it paralyze me.
I lost my sister two months ago. I used to fear the end. I literally held her peaceful hand as she passed onto Jesus and it wasn't as scary as I thought. I have a bit more peace with the end than I did before. I still fear the end, but I have to live with that beautifully as we all do.
What is haunting you? What is holding you back? Are you willing to maybe give those fears a little less power in your life today?
How can I help you?
xoxo Coach Kim
(Alright, a lot of people are credited for this quote but I am going to go with Nelson Mandela).
This is our first Spring in our new home. We wanted to mow our field that spreads its' beauty right outside of our little fence. It was getting tall, unkempt and likely harboring a lot of slithering snakes (oh heck no!) and it just felt like it was getting away from us; from the freedom for our dogs to roam freely; for us to "see" what was ahead of us. I wanted it to be nice and tidy and pretty and guess what? I wanted it like NOW.
Our neighbor convinced us to let the field continue to grow and to have patience. He kept promising us a sweet field of flowers. The rains came, the field grew, surely the "things" living there mulitiplied yet the flowers stayed away. We had a choice to make... were we going to trust, hold out, wait for the promise from our neighbor, or were we going to let haste and the large lack of patience get to us first?
We waited, we trusted and we tried our best to ignore that crazy, beautiful and unruly field full of stuff we just didn't really dare to venture into and guess what? The promise, the truth and the beauty emerged just like he promised despite our doubt and temptation to alter the natural progression it needed to take before the blooms showed up.
Do you resonate with this? Girl.. let me tell you, this could be the direct representation of my life at times. I don't want to wait, I don't want to listen to others promises while I see nothing. I don't want to wait to trust. I want to take things in to my own hands but when I do; when I have, what did I miss out on? I am certain there are some absolutely beautiful scenes, events, stories and adventures I missed simply because I though my way was best.
Slow down this season.. in this crazy, scary, unprecedented pandemic and TRUST him to reveal the beauty in His time and just like looking at that field that seemed to hold nothing but fear of the unseen shady things living in it, embrace it for what it is, allow fear and questions but ultimately hold on to a promise, a kind word, a special friend, a text, a Zoom, a workout, a book that brings hope, a Bible app... just find the things to hold on to until that beauty comes back around. K?
xoxo, Coach Kim
This morning, fighting off some feelings but knowing what I needed to do, I walked up to the empty upstairs and prepared to do my Barre3 class streaming with those I used to spend time with in a room where just a few days ago, my daughters slept in. As God would have it, this beautiful song randomly started playing on my playlist. SURROUNDED by Bethel Music and Kari Jobe filled my soul as the words "This is how I fight my battles" filled my ears and I did feel I was fighting my battles the way I knew how at that very moment through worship and movement.
This pandemic has many people struggling with things that aren't often addressed. Depression and suicide rates are high right now. I want you to win this battle. I want you to know you matter. If I have one reader or one thousand.. I want that 1 or 1000 to feel loved. I want you to shake off any assignments or agreements the enemy is trying to place on you. I want you to know your peace blanket can come in the form of dressing yourself in battle gear. Imagine yourself putting on a cloak of God's full armor. Feel it like a warm blanket of comfort and joy. (My own coach left me a beautiful voicemail last night reminding me of these tools to cope).
At 13 and 18, I fought a really big battle and tried to take my own life but by the grace of God, I didn't succeed. The battles continued to follow me throughout my adult life and sometimes they tried to win again. You are out there. The one that feels this temporary feeling is permanent and I want to encourage you to fight your battles with God holding you in His arms until the feeling passes. For some of you, riding the wave of emotions until it passes is super duper hard. You've had reasons for wanting to give up. Satan lies to you. You are confused, torn, feel like you have no worth. You feel as if you won't be missed. You feel you have to DO to earn a ticket to be loved or honored or adored. See these stinking lies for what they are. Raise up your white flag to the enemy and simply say you are done with believing his lies. Sing your worth OUT LOUD. Demand that the enemy stands down, that all agreements he has tried to place on you are broken. Sing. Worship. Pray. Make a schedule and do it when you don't feel like it.
Do not make a permanent decision based on a non-permanent emotion.
The starfish parable reminds us..
One day, an old man was walking along a beach that was littered with thousands of starfish that had been washed ashore by the high tide. As he walked he came upon a young boy who was eagerly throwing the starfish back into the ocean, one by one.
Puzzled, the man looked at the boy and asked what he was doing. Without looking up from his task, the boy simply replied, “I’m saving these starfish, Sir”.
The old man chuckled aloud, “Son, there are thousands of starfish and only one of you. What difference can you make?”
The boy picked up a starfish, gently tossed it into the water and turning to the man, said, “I made a difference to that one!”
You matter to me, just like the person in the story that threw back one starfish at a time. If you are struggling or hurting, please believe me when I say I understand. I am here. I will listen and most of all, I will remind you of a savior who can breathe peace, joy and a sense of calm back into you as you ride it out.
Most, if not all, of us are losing something right now... job security, your own schedule, your privacy, your socializing, your friends, your favorite gym, your church, your dates, your family member time, your sanity, your income and for some of you..your health. I could go on and on. As I write, our power has gone off and the candles are lit as yet another "gentle" reminder of things absolutely out of our control.
I want to honor your fear, your worry, your sadness, your feeling of loss. It's real. I have been encouraging my clients this week to just sit with that feeling for a second. We tend to try to avoid the heavy, burdensome feeling in our souls when we try to process loss. We like to fill it with busy-ness, other emotions, wine, coffee.. hey, I am the first one to admit to all of that!
What do we do with this feeling of loss? It may be too soon for many of us to hear this but I want you to do your absolute best to continue to look for the good in this. If you have lost your job, I hope people in your community or circle are stepping up and reminding you of human goodness. If your schedule is a mess because you have kids at home you are entertaining or schooling, I want to encourage you to imagine being an elderly woman sitting in silence most of the day and to maybe embrace the joy in the chaos (after you cry a little) as absolutely hard as that may be. If you have lost your job or your health, I cannot imagine your pain, worry and fear right now. I can simply offer for you to please keep getting on your knees and to allow those people around you to demonstrate compassion and comfort reminding you of God's mercy.
The social gatherings, jobs, schedules, date nights and gym times will return and we will be a different, more loving and even more caring community than ever before.
But again, what about that feeling of loss? How are you grieving? What does that look like for you? Do you have someone to cry with? Are you a fan of journaling? What does setting a timer and allowing yourself to cry for an hour a day sound like? Do you have a favorite Bible App you like to read? How often are you talking to God right now about your feelings? What is one thing you can do that feels "normal" right now?
Each woman I have spoken to this week has a different scenario surrounding the loss they feel. One thing they all have in common is the feeling of relief after simply talking for a bit. The sting is lessened, the burden is shared, the heart is heard.
For me, as your coach, I feel it too and it's not often that I will discuss my own situations with you unless it relates but today I feel as if it does.
My loss will look and sound a little different than yours perhaps. No matter what yours is.. it's just as important and real to you as mine is to me.
The empty bed is what gets me. My oldest daughter was "mine" for a bit after her car accident this past December. For four months she slept in this bed. Nights of pain, tears, laughter, reconnection, healing, joy, sleepless nights and late morning sleep ins seemed to define not only her life but a very large part of mine and I was grateful, not for her pain, but for her presence after such an extended absence due to her addiction.
She made the choice last week after a lot of prayer and seeking guidance to quarantine with a friend who was isolating for two weeks before she arrived (a "normy" as those in the addiction world like to say) and although she's only 15 minutes away, this mammas heart sees and feels an empty room and the pain and trauma and loss of the last several years keeps me up at night. How do I cope? Well, I talk to her daily, I pray for her fervently, I ask God to protect her and I learn to let go. I cry to my husband, I keep my self in check with exercise and I sit in her room and allow sadness for a bit and then I move forward. She told me she loves it here but she sees this as a chance to continue her recovery and therapy and phycial therapy online like she has been doing and she has asked me to believe in her and for all the naysayers (even myself sometimes) I do believe a new light and life shines in her since her tragic accident and awakening. She told me she loves me and our family but that she wanted to figure this out on her own for a bit, enjoying sobriety and real life for a second on her terms, not my 48 year old Wheel of Fortune watching and early bedtime terms and I mean... who can blame her. My loss also comes in the fact that it's a matter of time before my youngest daughter returns to isolate in her own apartment at school and then I'll have another room to walk by and I'll likely grieve the same way. I see a dining room table set for 7 that only seats 3 now as my step boys are still in Denver with their mom until this is over. I focus on the 3 of us here and I don't take it for granted, not for a second.
Grieve it girlfriend. Honor it. Spend some time in it. Look for those wanting to help you. Laugh at this insane time if you have it in you and spend time in honest communication with the man above.