I knew better. I know better. I did it anyway. I went ten years without a scale in my home. Every time I went to a doctor, I would turn around when it was time to be weighed and I would explain that I didn't need to see it. Eating Disorders tried to rob me of joy in a very, very significant way for decades of my life. Doctors, hospitals, specialists, heart monitors, long stay treatment centers and more pain than anyone needed to inflict upon themselves or their family was a daily lifestyle for me. I learned early in my recovery that scales were a huge NO!
I learned super early in life that I couldn't control much of anything that was hurting me. I also learned super early that I could control my weight. What I didn't realize, however, was that I was completely out of control. By the Grace of God, my Eating Disorder had been fairly dormant for a very long time. Little by little, that sneaky little voice started to creep back in. I bought a scale, I joined a nutrition club, I bought a fit bit to track every single thing. I would wake up and get excited to see just how much I weighed so I could determine just how much I could love (or withhold love from) myself depending on the number. I felt I had a handle on it. I asked God to forgive me for putting the scale before Him but I kept doing it telling myself once I lowered my weight to a certain number that I would stop.
This morning, my better self knew what to do. It was hard. It was scary. I got a large black Sharpie and I wrote "I am SORRY" on one (Oh wait, did I forget to mention I would weigh myself on not one BUT two scales each morning??") and "I am MORE" on the other one. I took them both outside, got a hammer, and let loose!
The "I am SORRY" was my apology to God for putting my weight and my obsession to lose above my desire to seek His approval and love for what I was doing first. I didn't invite him to my crash diet. I didn't ask him for guidance and help. The apology was also to myself. I was sorry for thinking I would only be okay and worthy at a certain number. I was sorry for withholding joy and laughter and peace until I felt I deserved it with a certain number.
The "I am MORE" was a reminder to myself to love gently, move forward wisely, and let go of placing my ability to love myself and find freedom and joy unless I got to a certain weight.
I am not saying that I will stop eating right. I am not saying that I will stop working out. I am not saying that I will just sit here and be inactive because God wants me to love me for me. That's not in my genes... but I am saying that I will do those things because I want to be fit and active and healthy and I do and always have liked a certain way I like to fit into my clothes and present myself but I don't need a daily check in to see my progress or to check in with the scale to determine my happiness for the day.
Whatever your "weight" or burden is.. can you find some freedom in letting the way you may look at it go?
I will always advocate for self love. I believe those that are lost and hopeless suffer most from a lack of embracing self with a heart full of love and that, my sweet woman warrior, needs to change!
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